heartbreaker

so, here i am in the home country - philippines. it would be nice to be able to state in black and white terms that "it's good to be back". however, i'd say the feeling's a little closer to bittersweet. i'm here away from the friends and family i know to a whole new set of comrades and cousins. it feels like how it first did in denver - unfamiliar, limited, routine. my world in colorado consisted first of school, my apartment, and every now and then the springs. it eventually expanded to encompass more than just a few streets and more than just classmates. i wonder if it will be like that here?

i am armed with a little more than i had when i first went to denver (car aside). i have a much more powerful entertainment system (thanks, macbook pro), a wider range of music (thanks, new itunes), and a burning sense of confidence in myself (thanks, gurren lagann). when i first went to denver back in 2000, i was timid, lonely, and easily depressed with little sense of purpose or direction. now, i am here in the PI for an incredible reason and a stronger sense of who i am and what i want to become. so, i am not worried about the outcome. i'm just missing some old friends.

i met some of my soon to be classmates today during enrollment. i am pleased, but i also feel a sense of loss over my old study group. where are the wahdans and the trans? what happened to the study sessions at a campus not our own? what happened to the weekends of study punctuated with trips for middle eastern food and spicy kimchee ramyun? where are my golf buddies? where are my fellow best hit generation members? you're not gone, far from it. you're with me, just not physically. just as you helped me before, i know you'll help me again. i'm not doing this alone.

"Abayo ja nai. Issho da rou?" - Simon

adventurous

i found out recently that another comrade from the battle against the dreaded NMAT has been accepted and will be joining me in the sacred halls of academia come this june. i am relieved to know that there will be at least two or three faces with which i am familiar, cruising the unfamiliar corridors alongside me. i said before that even if i were to travel this path alone, i would do it; and that sentiment still stands. however, it's always good to have some people stand by you when facing such a monumental task.

speaking with friends, i've been coming face to face with the reality and the gravity of the situation. the upcoming few years will be indeed monumental and overwhelming. there will be lack of sleep, ridiculous demands, tasks that are not only difficult but equally valued, and a constant need to remind myself why i'm doing it all. but i know that i can make it. i know that i can succeed because i've already come so far. i think something like this calls for the blind, burning vigor of blood and fighting spirit to keep me not only from falling apart but also motivated enough to ignore the tolls that it takes.

i have become one of the chosen few. for me to get to this point, it took a miracle. i have come this far because of so many chances, opportunities, support, beliefs, wishes, and dreams. i hope to do honor to that and accept this destiny. the funny thing is, i am committing myself to master a set of skills that ordain me to be a servant. at the end of it all, i will become a man whose sole purpose will be to serve other people and save them from disease. i will become a master who must serve. how ironic...

time is running out. i will be departing soon. i'm not sure if i'm totally ready to leave, but i know for sure, that come what may, i will be ready to take on the challenge.

"He's the one who always saves my ass. He's the one who never gives up. When I found myself at wit's end, I saw his back hunched over and digging for a way out. I want to become the kind of man who won't be laughed at by that back." - Kamina, TTGL