timeless

as the autumn months approach, it feels like i have less and less time for anything. work will be picking up soon, and with these extra jobs my tasks will start to pile up. tagalog class starts next week. escrima class will probably pick up since promotion exams are a little ways away. together with the studying i have to fit in, i will effectively have only friday afternoons and part of the weekends free. the other time will be filled up with work, escrima training (in class and outside with friends), tagalog study (in class and my own supplemental study), and nmat/interview preparations. so much to do and not enough time in a week to accomplish everything.

i feel like although i've been getting adequate sleep, i'm still tired. i wouldn't say i'm completely exhausted, but i feel tired still. when i do get a long period of sleep in, i wake up with a headache. there doesn't seem to be a happy medium. or is it that my body is preparing itself for the eventual lack of sleep that accompanies the path i will be taking in a few years? a couple of times this week, i have felt that calm anticipation that precedes a huge storm. there seems to be a void and silence as if soon, a large wave or something will impact. it may or may not be metaphorical, it's just a feeling.

my presence on facebook has become more frequent. i owe it to a lack of any interesting websites and the decreased creepiness that defined facebook when i first joined. myspace and twitter are still absolutely annoying and i refuse to be a part of either. in general, i think i could do without the internet. it makes some things convenient, but otherwise is just as bad as television in terms of unproductive behavior. even right now, i'm blogging - an activity that does nothing for me. no one even reads this stuff aside from whoever is still subscribed to my site and receives the emails. only one or two people ever comment (thanks, boto maki) and i don't really care to "make friends" on xanga.

one of these days, my internet activity will greatly diminish. i think that's ok. don't be sad, very soon, a law may be passed that is going to make the internet like tv (you will have to pay for access to certain sites, only a few sites will be available for your viewing based on what you pay - like cable tv). a friend told me about this, and although i heartily disagree with it based on principle (the internet's big draw is that it's supposed to make information free and available), i wouldn't really care if i couldn't peruse certain sites ever again. fuck that, i don't even want to pay for tv, why the hell would i pay for access to "restricted" internet?

"He'll have to find out that it's part of growing up - getting close to others while distancing yourself from pain..." - Evangelion

currently: preparing to go home

preparation

this week has been fraught with numerous activities that have utterly exhausted both my mental and physical faculties. my optical sensory nerves have been flooded with visual stimuli concerned with the upcoming academic trial. the studious endeavors have also served to test the memory capacity of my nervous system. how much do i remember? how much more can i remember? as stated previously, i have about a month and a half left to fully steel myself. sun tzu once said that the difference between a general and a victorious one lies in the laying of plans. the one with more meticulously and carefully laid plans will be better prepared to secure a victory. as of now, i am laying plans so as to reach a "position beyond defeat".

i will hopefully retrieve the savior today. i am ready to be rid of the replacement, not to mention finally taking care of the financial red tape that accompanies such transactions.

also, the boss returns today. his return coincides with the start of many new jobs for the employees and therefore, more tasks for myself as well. while it is merely seen as a consequence of having this employment, i am most opposed to continuing in this fashion. if i am going to struggle, fight, and scrape in a career, i want it to be as far removed from this business as possible. i am constantly in a state of uncertainty and in perpetual scrutiny for a job that i do not understand nor care to; nor is there any hope or idea that i will get better at what i am doing (or if there is even incentive to do so). if i am going to be in that state, it might as well be in a field that i do understand, doing things that i know will lead me to success and respect.

it feels like so many things i've done over the past few years have been preparing me for this. the inroads made with certain people, the skills acquired, the manner of speaking with others, the reflective processes - all of it seems to be pointing in this direction. i'm sure that i can make it, because the alternative is unacceptable. so many have put their faith and trust in me, so what kind of man would i be if i were to let them down? i must honor their hope in me, the dreams entrusted, the money spent (or that will be). the only way to do that is to succeed and become the kind of person that not only they knew i could be, but that i knew as well.

"If you're going to be a wall that gets in our way, I'm going to break through you!" - TTGL

"Now that we've come this far, we're not stopping until we breach the heavens!" - TTGL

impossible

the challenges that arose during this week have been met and have been overcome. things are falling into place and the feeling that i'm moving forward is growing every day. the fated day of the greatest challenge has not been set yet, but it is looming ever closer. theoretically, i have about a month and a half to fully prepare myself for this trial. before i can concentrate completely on the main points, i first need to conquer an old enemy. once i have redeemed myself from this failure, i will be able to focus all my efforts into annihilating the nmat.

i need to work on many things. there are many things which garner my attention. the fate of my golden soldiers, the fate of the credit i worked so hard to attain, the fate of my former abode, the potential new abode, retrieving the savior, etc. so many things occupy my cognitive faculties. there is so little time to accomplish everything, but it has to be done. now that we've come this far, there's no turning back.

if the universe, family, friends, and even strangers believe in me, how can i afford to not succeed?

"Rejecting common sense to make the impossible possible...That's how we roll..." - TTGL

"Our power is limitless! As long as our hearts don't give in!" - TTGL